Okay, in my previous post about my history and finding myself I said that I don’t hate my ex for the things that took place. And I don’t, and I do forgive him, but I can’t lie guys, I am human and there are time where I feel a twinge of bitterness towards him. Bitterness, anger, and even envy. All these things are awful, and part of my human, dark, and twisty parts. God is helping me with these parts of who I am.
Bitterness, my feelings of bitterness come from the fact that I gave him my youth, I spent 8 years with the wrong person. And in that time he stripped me down to nothingness, all that I was when I met him was destroyed. And then I had no choice but to leave, and have literally nothing while starting out all over again to raise my children alone and re build myself. Also, after the birth of our second child he had convinced me to get my tubes tied. I am mostly upset about this above all. If he wishes to remarry some day he can have more children, and I can too, but only after an elective and expensive surgery If God sees fit to give me someone else and they want children, Id like to be able to give them that without such extremes. But, it is what it is, and God will pull me through whatever happens.
My envy comes from the fact that he moved away and back to his family who supports him. He left a high paying, responsible web job, to go basically get to go back and be 18 again as a pizza delivery person. And his, stereotypically younger than myself and him, girlfriend moved with him. So I envy that he has it so easy. Nearly no responsibility again, a chance to regain that youth he lost with me, and to top it off he’s not alone. But again, it is what it is, and God will give me what he wants me to have when he sees fit. Maybe I need to grow up a bit more before I get those things.
All this aside, I don’t like to speak ill of people. My ex and I could not make it work, for many reasons, and these are all my feelings I have spilled out here you all. He is not a terrible person. He does love his children, he does pay child support, and it may not be much, but he does see them when he can. I can’t take that away from him.
Okay, so I’m human, but I am working on these dark and twisty feelings, because I don’t like to wast time on being negative. Happiness and joy are feelings I would much rather consume my heart and mind, and God has helped me tremendously with that. 🙂
PS I got caught in a rant and didn’t mention the most important part. The Sweet part to this occasion. That being my two wonderful children. Without my ex, and without those years together I wouldn’t have them, the most important things in my life 🙂
Oh, so I figure I might need to give you all a little bit of background on myself before this blog makes a ton of sense. So here it goes.
Born and raised in West Virginia pretty much. Minus some moving around when I was really little and a few years in Kentucky for college. I got married at 20. at 23 and 24 I had my two children. After 7 years of marriage their father and I separated and eventually divorced.
Our relationship was pretty screwed up lol. There was a lot of verbal and mental abuse. I eventually believed that I could not make it with out him, and I certainly couldn’t raise two young children alone. And if I left him, he would take the children. Then came the physical abuse, it had happened before the kids, but then stopped for a while, until it started again. Finally one day something in my brain clicked after he had slapped me. My son had seen it this time, and for some reason I grew quite calm. I left him that day.
I want to say that, as much as I want to hate him for these things, I don’t. We were both broken people at this time. I allowed the abuse to take place, and he, I’m not sure, he just acted the way he felt appropriate I suppose. I am not giving him a pass, nor condoning his actions. Merely stating that I forgive him.
So A year has passed, and I have done therapy. I was told at one point that after a divorce it can take 2 years or more to “become yourself again”. Learning who you are as a single person again. Boy, they were right. Its weird living alone, sleeping alone, not having another adult around. Dating is so hard you guys, lol. If you haven’t had to put your self out there in a while, its nuts. I often feel like a 14 year old giggly girl again 🙂 By often I mean the less than a handful of “dates” I have been on since the separation and divorce.
Maybe that’s something I can sound of to you guys about. You up for it? Lord knows I need all the help I can get you all. Anyway, more on the “getting back to who I am” later. Have a great day.